I'm kind of an extremist. Not the adrenaline junkie, jump off of cliffs or kayak down rivers type of person. I'm more of an emotional pendulum. An all or nothing personality. And that's a really good thing in some things. Jesus...he's either everything to you or nothing. Marriage...committed or don't bother. Drugs...don't do them!
But it's not such a great thing with your self worth. If you do you're either all that and a bag of chips, rather arrogant. Or you're lower than the ants and worth nothing. I have a degree in the latter. A proficient self-depricator. And that has been a big part of my current journey learning about self-worth.
When my self-worth comes under attack and I allow shame to overcome me, I try to protect myself through judging and blaming. Most of that judging and blaming is directed internally at myself. That internal wounding happens in the things we're afraid of, the things we fear. Where it strikes me deepest is in my fear of loneliness.
I remember being in elementary school and climbing to the top of this metal ladder structure (singing The Little Mermaid's "Part of Your World") and just wondering "Why don't I fit in?" "Why am I so different from everyone else?" And shame uses my self-deprication to tell me that my loneliness is my fault.
That I'm not enough. I'm not extroverted enough. Not adventurous enough. Not involved in enough. Or I'm too much. I'm too emotional. Too deep. Too quiet. Too granola.
And fear perpetuates a fear-reality that becomes a twisted truth-lie: I'm destined to be alone.
But often the things we're afraid of drive us to beautiful things when we put that fear in the hands of God. Because God said I have worth. And He and I fought about it. Because if I have worth and are worthy of love, I'm worthy of worth and love from those He created and loves and gave worth.
And we fought more about it. And I landed on two things which became evident after I found myself serving on a small hospitality team at my church, Mosaic.
The first is we need to have a positive perspective. In the hospitality kitchen, I'm the only mom (98% of the time). From my self-depricating standpoint, I'm a lone wolf. I'm not like anyone else. I'm stretched too thin with commitments to my family or not available enough. I'm not young enough. This isn't a team for moms. But a positive perspective says that I have something that would be lacking if I weren't there. There's just something comforting about having Mom in the kitchen. Regardless of if she can cook (which I'm decent at doing), but Mom can just bring a grounded peace in the kitchen space.
The second is that we need to step into courage. My default when I'm afraid or shaming myself is to shut down, withdraw, run away and be silent. So my courage is to stay put, to open my ears to listen and my eyes to be observant. There were weeks where I didn't want to drive there, or maybe I'll just slip out to the bathroom, or I'll just focus in on my task and be lost in the hustle. And those weeks, showing up was my courageous act. And at the end of the day, it's enough.
When I close my eyes and step into courage with a positive perspective God silences the fear and replaces it with hope. And hope has given birth to love. Love for myself and for others. When you have the courage to embrace the you God believed you to be when He created you and the positive perspective to start seeing your uniqueness as strengths, you cultivate a knowing of your self-worth.
The book of Ephesians says we are His masterpiece. An artist loves His masterpieces. And every masterpiece is unique. So when you have a knowing of your self-worth, work at becoming aware of those things that you're really good at, or that make you different from everyone else. Like for me: I'm really good at hugging. It's a strange compliment I get a lot. But it made me stop and think that not everyone has little ones that run and hug them every morning. Or wake up next to someone who will hug them. But in that kitchen, there is always someone who will embrace them with love and worth.
And it's amazing how you start to see how God uses those uniqunesses to fill needs and create beautiful things.
We belong to a tribe called Mosaic that lives by faith, is known by love, and is a voice of hope.
