World Suicide Prevention Day - We'll see you tomorrow

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week and today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

This past summer, my neighbor down the row chose suicide. My kids called him Mr. Joe. We saw him walk down the row every day. My kids would occasionally take brooms over by his patio to sweep the excess water into the drain after he'd wash down his patio. Once he dropped off a kids book at our house that someone had given him that he thought the kids would like.

I didn't really know anything else about him.

What I do know about suicide is that it is the end result of depression. You become so alone, so despairing, and so without hope that it appears to be the only available option. Death is death by suicide.

I was in a place of critical depression; and I feel lucky, blessed, beyond grateful to have found hope. I heard a talk this summer by at guest speaker at Mosaic who said that God was motivated by the you you could become enough to create you (Jeremiah 1:5). The God who can create galaxies took a moment to see who I could be and decided it was worth it. I was worth it.

It's hard when you're depressed to believe that anyone could love someone like you. Isn't loneliness what I deserve? No. And because I am of worth to God and loved by Him, I am worthy of love from others.

So I fight loneliness. I fight rules that commit us to lives of solitude. I fight for community. I fight for hope.

So today, fight for your friends. Fight for your neighbors. Depressed people don't talk about depression. You never know who is slowing drowning themselves in despair and loneliness. They need you. They need Jesus. They need love and acceptance in their brokenness. They need your Hope.

#TWLOHA

Here is a link to a beautiful talk on hope by Erwin McManus, the founder of Mosaic.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery

My Memorial Day

[Originally posted to Facebook on 8/18/2015]

It’s hard sometimes to jump into writing about a journey that doesn’t have a clear beginning or end. But even in that journey, you can identify the turning points. Today marks the first anniversary of one of those turning points. A memorial. A Memorial of Hope.

Having a genetic predisposition and already prone to situational depression, and a personality that cares about everyone but myself, depression condensed like a cloud on my mind. As depression began to rain, things started to wash out. And I excused them. Too busy. Too tired. Not important.

And too late, the rain was a flood and I had not sandbagged my mind...and my brain broke. I was Sad. Unhappy. Uninterested. Indifferent. Depressed. I wanted to be alone. All the time. And I couldn’t be.

                                                              I was pregnant.

A dangerous mix. I reach a point where I stopped eating which isn’t exactly a good choice for growing a human. I stopped sleeping which left me ruminating on all sorts of dreadful things hours into the night. And everything started slipping away. But it wasn’t friends, events, or interests crumbling through my fingers. It was me that was falling apart.

I call that season my faded life, for everything in my mind that was familiar and dependable had left me. Just a lightless shell becoming ever more transparent until I thought my substance may fall apart completely and I’d disappear altogether.

Despair was like drowning, and fighting alone like being waterboarded. Happiness was like finding an air pocket in a submerged car. When it ran out, the claustrophobia of being trapped inside myself was even more overwhelming than before. So at the end, I gave up on Happiness too.

I was at the bottom. The deep cavern I had dug. But God is faithful and always provides a way out so we can endure. And like a trap door, the bottom of my world fell and I screamed in desperate resignation, "When does it all stop falling apart!" Because it looked nothing like hope, nothing like a heroic rescue.

It felt more like being shackled to an anchor. In an ultrasound, what were signs of an infection inside her tiny form turned into an unknown heart condition. Cardiomyopathy - A mystery of the heart. Our little Kylie had entered her own dire straits. As we sat numbing our emotions to make room in our minds for as many facts as we could handle. I remember hearing "miracle...meds...heart transplant...Not. Make. It." Before we left, the doctor made me answer him, "Whose fault is this?"

"Not mine"

he made me reply.

The picture started to come together as the afternoon wore on. She did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. Yet here we are. Everything seemed so turned around and backwards. So hope...less.

But the doctor also said I was her best hope. The critically depressed mother was her best hope. She needed more time. She needed me to care...about her and about myself. Two things so foreign to me then. Something that seemed like it would have been a miracle in and of itself.

I knew my hope, long gone, would not be enough. Make believe hope would kill us both.

That night I made my first decisive choice of hope. If I was going to believe in a God, I didn’t want Him to be small. I didn’t want to whisper anemic prayers in my hollow hideaway.

I wanted to shout my cries from the highest peak to a God who can resurrect the walking dead and give radiant form to those who are vapors. The One who will posture the universe at such a time as this to make known through our story that He makes the sun to rise and the fog to dissipate, holes to be filled, hearts to beat His rhythm and the dirt that forms us to be purified.

I had been timid, a fool; afraid. My tribe was small: I was too frightened to reveal how shattered I was. Anxious of being rejected as a fraud. One had terrifyingly become three. Three had been agonizingly stretched to twelve. No. This cry would resound through ravines and scale cliffs. We needed echoes of hope to amplify our cry. We called them our 300. PlanA; I will hold to this hope and believe in nothing less.

And it came as a host of over three thousand angels. Seen and unseen. Known and unknown. It was not that my depression and despair had been found out but that I had been found.

I was ready to live or die trying. My now expansive tribe breathed when I couldn’t and beat when my heart wasn’t strong. They sang and shouted when I had no words. They rejoiced and cried when I could not feel. Their hope came flooding in -- into my phone, our inbox, our eyes and ears. It was living water filling the dry wells of my soul.

Our tribe brought joy back into our home. Food, play, friends, order. The light of hope began to catch the sparse dust of my faded self. Our tribe had written songs that pierced my soul and felt like holy healing for her: “Take this heart and show it how to beat,” “You’re the rhythm I’m beating in and all the earth can feel it, we are dancing to the sound of your heart. You’re the light that’s beaming in and all the earth can see it. You shine beyond the dark.” “I believe that your love’s in motion and it’s changing me helping me to see your light.”

I became a Genesis - formless and void but the Spirit hovered over the waters of the deep. God spoke and responded to our cry. She was getting better. I was getting better.

Our tribe marched with us to the rhythm of hope. And then I had my first hopeful day. A whole day. It felt so beautiful and I didn’t know if I’d have another one so I cherished it and buried it in my heart. My Friend told me, “Start collecting the hopeful days and soon you will have a whole pile of them.”

We all knew the length of the journey would be long and I would have a high chance of relapse after she was born. But after you have suffered a little while, He himself will restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. And we made it to the end of the first leg. Kylie Michelle was beautiful.

And I felt God there that day giving me so many signs of his presence. From her painless entry into this world (God delivered her because I literally did nothing and felt no pain), to her panda warmer that I visualized in a prayer session a week before, to the doctor that said he felt something very powerful being there at her delivery, to her release from the NICU.

And as I held our little miracle and watched her cradled in the arms of our Tribe, my hopeful dust erupted into love. She belonged to God but had been entrusted to us and I would love her and fight for her unlike anyone.

And it seemed like I was through the trauma. Our tribe saved us; saved her, saved me. I had a long road of recovery ahead of me. But now I had faith, hope, and love inside me. I had been recast into a transcendent form.

And everything was new. I was like a wildfire inside my soul with an unbridled fiery exterior to match. And just as God loved me in my thousand pieces, he loved me unrefined and said you are malleable, let me lead you to where your light will never extinguish.

I remember telling God you can have everything! It’s all yours; I owe you everything! Which is easy to say when you don’t have much to offer coming from such a dark and despairing place that even you don’t want it. And some things I knew He’d give back; others I wanted Him to keep and take and it was like playing racketball with God. And then there were the tiny corners, the protected spaces. God needed it all laid before Him. God worked with me just the way I’m wired. You know--let’s make this efficient and productive. Go figure. And the pilgrimage began.

The lessons came hard and fast. So fast I could barely breathe from one to the next. It did not feel full of joy but I knew it was good. Let me teach you about anxiety, learn from me about freedom and independence, now responsibility, next envy, after that power, over here kindness, let's explore love -- a lot of love, now examine marriage, patience and friendship, disappointment, grieving, conflict.  Let us journey through health and healing, championing and prayer. Let's not forget self discipline and selflessness. Let me teach you about acceptance and grace.  Now we undo fear. Now to revisit suffering and joy.

What about rest!? When can I learn about that? You say rest but desire ease. Rest you find in Me as we journey. Peace wells in all attitudes.

.

And I’m learning to live in that peace. The things that once overwhelmed my broken mind just seem to exist at lower altitudes than where I have journeyed. I have collected my hopeful days and now I stand atop a mountain.

Surviving has not given us an easy happily ever after. Kylie still has ongoing concerns that keep us growing and stretching our trust and faith in God. We’ve worked hard to repair our family and have learned to press in to our deep and rich tribe. And me…

I walk by faith

for I have been frozen in doubt.

I rest in peace

for I have been overwhelmed by chaos.

I live in love

for I have been buried in fear.

I am captivated by hope

for I have been captive to despair.

Today is my Memorial Day. A beautiful Memorial of Hope.

My sister joist memorial piece

We belong to a tribe called Mosaic that lives by faith, is known by love, and is a voice of hope. 

To Write Love on Her Arms is a nonprofit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and invest directly into treatment and recovery.

Dear Julia - My Mosaic Art

[Originally posted on Facebook on 2/13/2015]

Yesterday and today hold deep significance for me. My Dark & Light. February 12, 2014, I went to the hospital after nearly a week of severe vertigo and several days in bed to find out I had an inner ear infection. The doctor also told me, unrelated, I happened to be pregnant. Those 2 events came near the end of a multitude of compounding circumstances that caused me to contract pregnancy depression.

Over the course of 8 months, Light, Joy and Hope faded. I became lost in a mind full of questions unanswered and voices unsilenced. I became mentally crippled to a point where being able to decide to shop for food became impossible. The sheer number of people in an auditorium filled me with such overwhelming anxiety I would literally be frozen to the floor unable to choose a place to sit. I couldn't run away because my mind and my ever growing belly followed me everywhere as constant, loud reminders of my situation. I was forced to deal with realities of being asked "Have you thought about hurting your kids? Yourself? The baby? Have you thought about dying? Are the decisions you can't make safety issues to those around you? Do you have an emergency plan in place?"

This is my story told below through a letter to an incredible woman. (Posted with her permission) She came from a state I know nothing about and a city I'll never be able to spell. She was completely outside of my world and knew nothing of the life I had or the life I was in...which was exactly what I needed. She had no idea the divine intersection that occurred the day she filled out Mosaic's All In card.

Subject: 6 Months

Dear Julia,

Call it being the hands and feet of Jesus, being an angel, making a compassionate intervention, doing your social duty, or just doing the right thing. Six months ago today, you saved my life.

I could pick one of a dozen dates I guess. I could pick the day we met on April 4th when I opened the door of my home to a woman who radiated a peace like that of watching it snow at Christmastime. I still remember sitting slightly removed at a table bustling with group conversation and interruptions and looked over to see you engaging in a quiet exchange with Polly. I knew "she's going to change everything" -- which I thought was just a generic "world", "LA", "Mosaic" everything at the time. By the way, I remember having a side conversation with Joshua that night, telling him his wife was stunning. And his response as he looked at you was, "Yeah, I married up."

I could pick Easter on April 20th when I saw you serving. I found out you weren't all that into SHE and hated country music and realized there was a chance that we could be Friends.

I could even go back before I ever knew you to November 2013 when you decided you were moving back to LA; the same month my circumstances starting crumbling. Or March 3rd, when you pulled out for California. I didn't even know you were coming, but God did. He was bringing me someone from 15 hours away who would step in and make sure the life we had just found out was inside me would make it into this world.

Or any of the days I stepped out of my comfort zone would do -- May 30th: deciding to call and confide my fears and torments in a stranger, July 16th: being talked in to humbling myself and seeking out prayer from Mosaic, or even Aug 15th the day you talked me into starting medication.

Just an aside, so many of the moments that had the least amount of sadness were with you. You became my happy place as I was starting to dive and pull away from those I had loved. Good Friday, Easter, In n Out, MSC, your commissioning, midweek, SHE debrief, dinner with you, 4th of July, 30x30s. I'm grateful even if you were trying to be someone who you've come to realize you're not. As I reflect, I'm reminded of Hank's message of those having enough faith that they drag 10 people into heaven. It was as though in the days of drowning, your faith, your peace, your soul, exhaled enough oxygen to keep me in the struggle for a semblance of the surface for one more day.

But I choose August 13th. That day, 6 months ago, because it was the day where words became actions. You gave me lift where I couldn't even see I needed it. You drove me to the hospital. You walked in to my house and literally put food in my fridge. You fought for my self-care more than I ever had in my lifetime. And what a divine intersection that it came on the day of Mosaic's Hope in a Desperate Time. (When I about threw up in my seat with anxiety that my brokenness would be found out and I would be exposed as a fraud of a human being. And thought I would break both your and Ethan's hands.)

But I've realized in analyzing last year a hundred times over that I had become afraid to hope. And even though August 13th set in motion the events that would feed and breathe life into my sick and lifeless soul, I had resolved to reject it. I saw help coming and I ran. I defied God, myself, and you. I gave away the last happy place I had. The voice that had been screaming into my soul for months,
"He is real!
          He is hope!

                                   Wake Up!

Satan convinced me to choose to suffer. Because suffering felt safe and  familiar. It was an excuse to pity myself, pull away, and refuse to work on getting better. The end game of suffering seemed closer than the distant life of health. I chose to be enveloped in the darkness. I cut for the first time in a decade under the lie that it was the last time I would have control over my mind and my choices. I had become numb to the idea of surviving.

And then God smacked me upside the head. Her heart's too big. The chambers aren't pumping in sync. The rhythm's not right. I remember fighting between anxiety and numbness to focus harder than I ever had to digest the information being explained to me. And at the end of that visit, I thanked God all the way home that you were in my house. Someone with hope was waiting for me. But I conceded to God that having waves of hope washed over me wouldn't save me. I had to find a way to find hope from within me. And that night I took my first breath of God in months and exhaled a prayer for a miracle beyond hope to 300 people.

God often has spoken to me in pictures and metaphors because they work better in the deep and rich world inside my head. I sometimes see Kylie's original heart condition almost as a manifestation of the health of my soul. Her heart was bigger because it was beating for her life and mine. It was out of rhythm and out of sync because I just couldn't and wouldn't connect with the source of our pulse. And then my tribe started to beat out the most beautiful rhythm I've ever seen or heard. Our PlanA cry and your calendar set off a chain reaction that I couldn't have stopped if I tried. I had people I only knew by face or had never even met in my house. We found out people all over the world were praying for our miracle; people that didn't even believe there was a God! I felt like the paralytic whose friends carried him to the feet of Jesus; Mosaic carried me to the healer. This is how the world will recognize that we are His disciples, when they see the love we have for each other.

This is my Exodus story. The one I will return to telling for years to come. The week before Kylie Michelle was born, Hank said, "God never promised to save you from disease, disaster, or disappointment. He only ever promised to save you from despair." It's one of the biggest take aways from this whole journey. I have found a hope that is rooted so deep within me. God told me during our listening prayer session that my daughter will always remind me of God, for I have truly learned what it means to hope. You made a very short list of names that went with us to the hospital because your faith was life to me and hope for her. I had to let Ethan decide because the emotional weight Michelle and Julia carry for me are identical.

It's taken some time, but somewhere along the line I started waking up and breathing without having to think about it. And now I am done only inhaling. I need to start exhaling. I saw in the scribbles and fragments I had written down a phrase, "What if she's not coming back?" It was this thin fence between fear of losing what had been a life of beautiful obligation and falling forward into something more beautifully inspiring.

I've come to believe that I lost my first love; and maybe I never even knew what love was before. I have to reign myself in from hyperbole that nothing I did before my faded life had value or furthered the mission of God. That's not true. I was a happy woman serving more and connected more than I had ever been in our seven years at Mosaic. But I think I fell in love with the good rather than being in love with the source of goodness. I loved Mosaic more than anything. But I could talk a lot of church without talking about Jesus in my life. It was as though God looked at the design for me and the piece of art that stood before Him and realized it was beautiful but that the material wasn't pure. There was pride, fear, envy, shame, judgment, apathy, cowardice. And the only way to remove them was to break it, burn it, purify it.

And it felt humiliating being stripped bare of my body, my mind, my reputation, my quenched spirit. Day after day, week after week, month after month. But I've also learned that the difference between humiliation and humility is just a matter of defiance versus obedience. And now I feel beautiful on the inside. Being "so alive" feels like an understatement. I feel transcendent. You have written faith, hope and love on my arms and Jesus has written them on my soul.

When I first heard your story at dinner, I was inspired. But the life you continue to live is inspiring daily. Here are the ways in which you have spoken into my life:

1: My literal physical life - It is nice not to try to imagine what those last 5 weeks could have looked like.
2: Kylie's life - My survival was her survival
3: Real Worship - Retreating into myself, I got to watch you worship for  4 months and what a wellspring inside someone looks like as they connect with God.
4: Hair - Hair is fun :)
5: Purging - Listening to you tell how you sorted through every piece of paper and got rid of almost everything you had in order to move with God inspires and motivates me that purging is a healthy thing to embrace. Memories can remain without the memorabilia.
6: Presence is Powerful - I think I told you a long time ago that I can see and sense the peace you emit. And reading the book Quiet about women like Rosa Parks, presence alone can still be a powerful influence.
7: True peace is in Jesus - I have to laugh at God when I decided one of my words for 2014 was Peace. It really was "less stress" but I wanted to phrase it in the positive so I chose Peace. At times when I exuded chaos and anxiety, you stayed and listened and countered it with so much peace and calm, speaking Jesus to me. He brought me someone who is so peaceful to teach me how to truly find it.
8: Kids are not #1 - they won't remember 😉
9: Self care - I can't do or help anyone if I'm not here. I have to choose myself too. Sometimes disappointing others in favor of myself is actually the best decision for everyone.
10: Get it out of my head; write it down - I'm not really a writer. I'm horrible at journaling. But it seemed like once I had permission to write in fragments, single words, even notes that no one but myself will ever read, it cleared some of the clutter and horrible voices in my head, even if temporarily.
11: Don't feel guilty about enjoying alone time - I need time away from everyone; literally everyone. And banking on their nap time doesn't count. It was freeing to accept that.
12: Perfection is pointless - God can't use perfect. I remember the day I hit bottom adamantly telling you I needed to make it through in one piece. And you said, "So what?! So what if you don't?!" And I responded if she came out anything less than perfect I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life that it was my fault. What a lie from the pit of hell that I believed with every fiber of my being! What God has done through Kylie's story is so much greater than my perceived ideal of perfect.
13: The need for coffee warmers in my life - we go together like peanut butter and chocolate. I have two now and really need like six.
14: Stop apologizing - I'm not responsible for the thoughts, feelings and responses of others. It is possible to reign in the empathy and responsibility because, most likely, they aren't wired like me anyway. I'm the only one that can let me be upset.
15: To Write Love on Her Arms - This site, blog, and organization is super helpful and hopeful. It's the first time I've felt like I have something to advocate for.
16: Healing is going to take time - Depression is an illness. And even though the trauma has passed and my initial recovery is over, there is still a long road of healing in front of me. Like breaking my back and finally being able to walk on my own, it will take time to be able to run, jump, and dance.
17: Emojis - My texting life is so much richer now. Thank you for introducing me to them, Pirate Ghost 👻.

What you endured, invested, and gave to me can never be repaid; and I  know you'd never let me. And so I'm always grateful. I pondered once what was beyond grateful, for it doesn't seem to be a strong enough word or emotion. And it's LOVE. I will forever and always love you and the life you've allowed me to exhale. What a beautiful reflection of Jesus you are, Julia.

Love, your sister in Jesus,
-Suzanne

So many of you came into this story somewhere along the line. Love is an action and I have had heaps of love poured out on me and my family. Sarah Turner shared with me the concept of "sistering" when a joist is broken and can no longer support the burden upon it, a carpenter can add another joist on one or both sides and fasten them together to make it capable of bearing the load. They call it a "sister joist." I thank Jesus for all of you: women, men, friends and strangers. I'm so grateful for Tribe and the powerful things that happen when there is trust, lift, prayer, stories, dreams, support, giving, and protection among them.

You are a part of me - my mosaic art

We belong to a tribe called Mosaic that lives by faith, is known by love, and is a voice of hope. 

To Write Love on Her Arms is a nonprofit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and invest directly into treatment and recovery.

It's never easy

[Originally written on 10/3/2014]

Hello, dear friends!!

As you all know, God has answered us and given us a beautiful new addition to the Ransom clan in our little Kylie. We're thrilled and overjoyed at His goodness and can't thank all of you enough for your love and support.

The hard work still continues, and we could really use your prayers in a few specific ways -- the hardest part of the journey may in fact be just ahead of us. :) It's a lot -- thank you for reading and even more for praying! (see bottom for blessings :) )

1. For Suzanne - she's still a high risk for post-partum depression, especially with her parents taking off next Monday and her having to figure out this new routine in the midst of sleep deprivation and hormonal changes. She'll have two weeks on her own (with whatever supplemental help from the calendar comes) before Ethan's parents come for a week. (When Sean was born, it took Suzanne 9 weeks before she could handle a full week with both on her own without extra help or asking Ethan to come home early.)

     Also, we are syringe feeding because it gives Kylie a better chance of learning to breastfeed which is our end goal. Syringe feeding becomes very time consuming as Kylie grows and requires more volume. Pumping is emotionally/hormonally draining for Suzanne.

     6 weeks post-partum is often the most common time that post-partum depression can surface. Even though Suzanne has been doing better and is already on anti-depressant medication, she is still at risk.

      Another layer that weighs on Suzanne is a big kids consignment sale that is on Oct 16th. It's a semi-annual sale that Suzanne goes to and gets all the kids' clothes, birthday/Christmas stuff for the next 6 months. She calls it her Black Friday and she's normally out for at least 6 hours. It will be overwhelming if she has to take the kids, but it's a lot to arrange care for too. She and her mother have been trying to sort through Morgan and Sean's clothes to see how much she has to buy. 

       Please pray for light, truth, hope, strength and sleep, and for progress with Kylie's challenges (detailed below). It's frustrating and difficult much of the time, even with Suzanne's parents here, so we desperately need God's and our tribe's help for these coming days. All the doctor's appointments are physically and emotionally draining for everyone -- please pray for supernatural strength and optimism!

2. For Kylie - she's got 5 small issues, most of which are normal for babies and resolve very quickly after birth. Kylie's have not and could become bigger concerns if they don't soon. This means extra visits to the hospital. And the whole being more than the sum of its parts, Suzanne is trying hard not being overwhelmed and anxious about all of it, and hopes that now that Kylie has passed her actual due date (10/2) that things will start to get better. Here's what we're looking at:

1. Heart - Kylie has a left to right shunt, which is the prenatal hole between the atria that should close after birth but has not, so her oxygenated blood is mixing with the deoxygenated blood. Please pray it closes soon!

2. Lungs - She has pulmonary hypertension (The pressure is the lungs is high so her heart has to work harder to pump blood through her lungs).

3. Liver/jaundice -Her overall bilirubin levels are decreasing. The liver is processing the bilirubin but it's not passing through the liver ducts to be flushed fast enough. If this doesn't resolve she may have biliary atresia (a narrowing of the bile ducts in the liver making it hard to flush bilirubin; sometimes requiring surgery).

4. Club foot -- we're set to begin casting/bracing Kylie's club foot a week from next Tuesday. Normally, there needs to be surgery at the end of that process before bracing begins, but with her heart/lungs where they are, she's not cleared for anesthesia, so the surgery is being postponed. There's a 5% chance that she wouldn't even need the surgery, however, and we are praying for that! Please pray that the casting/bracing would work very well.

5. Nursing - She's not latching so Suzanne is pumping and we're syringe feeding her. She has still not reached her birth weight though. The heart specialist seems especially concerned she put on weight. We feel pulled in different directions on pushing volume for weight gain and working on getting her to breastfeed where volume is unknown.

3. For help in the house - we have a helps calendar that looks pretty empty for October. Please pray that people would sign up so that Suzanne has some desperately needed reinforcements!

4. For Ethan - That he would have the strength to do well at work and well at home, for patience, kindness, and generosity with Suzanne and the kids. For Jesus to be powerfully present in our family as we struggle through this.

5. For us (Ethan & Suzanne) - This all definitely takes its toll on a couple. Please pray for protection from attacks, for honesty clothed in kindness, and the strength to give to each other when we feel we have nothing left to give. Pray we'd see the light at the end of the tunnel. :)

     Also, we have been so blessed to have care over the summer so that we could attend Midweek every week. We would love to continue going so please pray that we can find someone on a more regular basis so we're not searching each week for coverage.

6. For Morgan & Sean - They're being troopers, but it's really hard on them, too. Pray that they feel the love from us extra deeply so that the times we can't play/be with them are easier to bear.

There are of course many things we're grateful for:

Suzanne's parents have been super helpful and have been watching kids, fixing things, cooking, laundry, dishes, shopping. It's been awesome.

Friends have been hosting her parents so they can get good sleep.
Morgan and Sean play fairly well together and even by themselves so they don't always have to be entertained.
Kylie has been sleeping well at night (although tricky keeping her awake enough for a middle of the night feeding) but at least we're not up all night trying to comfort her.
The morning's and evening are cooler letting the kids get outside to play a little, even if just on our patio.
We have been so blessed and are beyond grateful for the food that's been dropped off and people who have sent money and gift cards for our current needs.

Thank you all again so much -- we couldn't do this without you!!!

Much love,

Ethan, Suzanne, Morgan, Sean, & Kylie

Kylie in her jaundice blanket. She looks like a June Bug

Kylie and her beautiful club foot

A present from our Mosaic tribe. The future IS full of hope.

We belong to a tribe called Mosaic that lives by faith, is known by love, and is a voice of hope. 

The calendar our dear friends set up is Lotsa Helping Hands and has an app.

The LA Kids Consignment sale I love here in LA is twice a year in 4 locations.

Our little miracle arrives

[Originally written on 9/17/2014]

He has answered us!!! :)

Baby Ransom is here! Born Tuesday, Sept 16, 8:13 AM, 7lb 3 oz, 20 3/4 in long! She passed her Echo, ultrasound, and chest X-ray with flying colors, and was discharged from the NICU at 1:30 today with glowing reviews. Her heart is still unique, but the specialist is comfortable with follow-up appointments in these early months. She will be going home with us tomorrow!!

It's impossible to thank you all enough for all the love and support you've given us, for all the prayers you've offered on our behalf. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for walking with us through #PlanA!! We look forward to introducing you to our little miracle, and to sharing her name with you -- as soon as we pick it. ;) Won't be long...

Please be aware the helps calendar is still active. Just 'cause the miracle is here, doesn't mean the work stops. :) We will definitely still need help! :)

Grateful for my few precious seconds with her before her trip to the NICU

[update]

Her name is Kylie Michelle Ransom.

Kylie - from the straits - we liked the sound first, and as she's comes through some pretty dire straits thanks to your prayers and love and Jesus' help, we wanted to remember, to tell her one day, what she's been through and that she can come through anything. (She's already in some new straits right now -- she's fighting a bit of jaundice and it's taking some time to clear up, and she was born with a club foot, which while easily correctable thanks to modern orthopedics, will take until she's 3 years old to correct, with casts, braces, and a minor surgery, which needs to be approved by the cardiologist as it would require general anesthesia. She's our little fighter, and we greatly appreciate your prayers for those challenges as well!)

Michelle - who is like God? - "...who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him?" (Is 64:4) It's Suzanne's middle name, and I (Ethan) wanted Kylie to be named for my amazing, incredible wife who worked so hard to bring her third child safely into this world. And Suzanne was okay with that. :)

So Kylie's off to a great start, but still has some obstacles to overcome -- we've still got a lot of trips to the hospital these first few weeks. Thanks again for everything -- much love and blessings to all of you!

We love you all and look forward to seeing as many of you as possible in the near future!

With infinite gratitude,

Ethan, Suzanne, Morgan, Sean, & Kylie Ransom

Kylie Michelle Ransom

We belong to a tribe called Mosaic that lives by faith, is known by love, and is a voice of hope. 

The calendar our dear friends set up is Lotsa Helping Hands and has an app.